There are certain things in life you think you'll never experience. "It couldn't happen to me." "That could never happen." "I'll never be that unlucky." and also..."I'll never be that lucky."
I have found myself in many situations in my work as a journalist where I fall into that sort of thinking.
I once did a story on a new addition of a room in University Hospital in Edmonton for grieving parents to spend time with their stillborn baby. It was a soothing room, meant to be very quiet and still, comfortable and private. I did this story as a television reporter, and it struck me as very very sad, but I am not going to lie to you - the thought, at that time, of parents holding and photographing their dead baby, seemed almost macabre. Little did I know how, first of all, the parents absolutely need this to start their grieving and ultimately healing process. And little did I know, secondly, that I'd be in that situation one day, feeling like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't walk, and I...Just. Could. Not. Believe. This. Was. Happening.
I did a story on premature babies, also at the University of Alberta Hospital - these teeny, tiny human beings who just against all odds make it into the world and many thrive. In my story I covered the healthy ones who came home and went on to live full lives, but I also highlighted the problems that many underdeveloped early babies have from breathing problems to a lack of neurological development and more. I am a feeling human being with a sensitive side and I was teary-eyed during shooting and editing, but with a healthy attitude I moved on, thinking this could never happen to me. And when it did, I spent the first few days not in utter joy or complete terror, but operating in a sort of void of emotion. It was there, and I was there, but again, I...Just. Could. Not. Believe. This. Was. Happening.
And last night I was in an ambulance with Finn, transferring him to a hospital closer to our home. I had done a television story once on ambulance crews, and that was the only time I had ever been in an ambulance, until last night. That's not a place you want to be. But Finn is stable and more - he is doing so very well that we are thanking our lucky stars. I almost couldn't believe it was happening, last night.
But, I think I've learned my lesson.
It also makes me realize that just as I should never, ever again push aside thoughts of potential bad things with the summary dismissal of ,"Oh that would never happen to me", I also ought not to put limits on what good and wonderful things can happen in life.
I used to, and had I held on to that thought rather than being open to joy as much as sorrow, having been through these experiences, I might have missed out on what a miracle we are living right now. On how my world and every single thing in it has changed. How there's a whole lot that just doesn't matter anymore, and a whole lot that matters the most.
No more limiting self-talk.
Nothing is impossible, but impossible is nothing.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Welcoming our little man
A quick quick post as I know there are at least a handful of you still visiting this space and awaiting news!
I gave birth to our three-pound, one-ounce sweetheart between 11 and 12 weeks early, last Wednesday (Oct 21). He is currently doing very well in NICU, and will stay there for between 7-10 more weeks.
He is beautiful, he is a fighter (and he even looks like one!) - and we are more in love with him than we knew was possible.
I am so thankful, even though he's there and it tests my strength, intestinal fortitude, will, resolve and every molecule of my being to not bring him home with me! It's simply too soon. He's under the 24/7 watchful eye of an incredible complement of nurses, doctors and support staff, and he is coming along as they expect him to.
It's opened our eyes to a whole new world - yes, one with a baby but also one with terms like CPAP (the breathing assistance he is on, that is one people with apnea use) - he is not intubated, he is not on a ventilator so this is very good. And words like bilirubin, jaundice and gavage - things we are dealing with.
Justine, his nurse last night said he is an eater and a grower.
He's being tube fed but it's breast milk (yay me!) and it is regularly upped, so soon they will be able to remove the tube. He also had a little taste of breast milk last night when Justine put a few drops in his mouth to soothe him.
He lost some weight after birth (normal) and isn't up to his birth weight yet but we hope soon. I am pumping like a madwoman (quite a visual) so he's got a LOT of milk in the freezer when he needs it, with 16 or so small 2 oz. bottles added every day. I am one motivated mama!
So, I won't keep you waiting any longer -- I'd like to introduce you to our little man, Finn Jacob. We love him so much.
I gave birth to our three-pound, one-ounce sweetheart between 11 and 12 weeks early, last Wednesday (Oct 21). He is currently doing very well in NICU, and will stay there for between 7-10 more weeks.
He is beautiful, he is a fighter (and he even looks like one!) - and we are more in love with him than we knew was possible.
I am so thankful, even though he's there and it tests my strength, intestinal fortitude, will, resolve and every molecule of my being to not bring him home with me! It's simply too soon. He's under the 24/7 watchful eye of an incredible complement of nurses, doctors and support staff, and he is coming along as they expect him to.
It's opened our eyes to a whole new world - yes, one with a baby but also one with terms like CPAP (the breathing assistance he is on, that is one people with apnea use) - he is not intubated, he is not on a ventilator so this is very good. And words like bilirubin, jaundice and gavage - things we are dealing with.
Justine, his nurse last night said he is an eater and a grower.
He's being tube fed but it's breast milk (yay me!) and it is regularly upped, so soon they will be able to remove the tube. He also had a little taste of breast milk last night when Justine put a few drops in his mouth to soothe him.
He lost some weight after birth (normal) and isn't up to his birth weight yet but we hope soon. I am pumping like a madwoman (quite a visual) so he's got a LOT of milk in the freezer when he needs it, with 16 or so small 2 oz. bottles added every day. I am one motivated mama!
So, I won't keep you waiting any longer -- I'd like to introduce you to our little man, Finn Jacob. We love him so much.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Growing up, and out
As I rolled my chair in to meet my desk, I caught a glimpse of my to-do list. It strikes me how very much it has changed over the years, and I almost wish I had a notebook full of them to see how the tasks, priorities and issues that need attention have developed as I have.
My list these days, for instance, is full of (for the most part) very grown-up things:
APEX alarm
life insurance
RRSP (look at allocations)
physio
dentist
K passport
Duane license
City of B - recycling appliances
When did it change from tasks like get extra beer for party, check out new lingerie store and vacuum potato chip crumbs from car after road trip? In other words, I guess, when exactly did I grow up?!
I don't have an answer, at all. Just posing the question.
Now, in baby news - I am 28 weeks today and ALL is going well! I am a big little mama. At 27 weeks, earlier this part week, I was measuring 31 weeks. Oh, wow. I'm more belly than Buddha at this point...but remain convinced that rubbing my tum will still bring good luck.
My list these days, for instance, is full of (for the most part) very grown-up things:
APEX alarm
life insurance
RRSP (look at allocations)
dentist
K passport
Duane license
City of B - recycling appliances
When did it change from tasks like get extra beer for party, check out new lingerie store and vacuum potato chip crumbs from car after road trip? In other words, I guess, when exactly did I grow up?!
I don't have an answer, at all. Just posing the question.
Now, in baby news - I am 28 weeks today and ALL is going well! I am a big little mama. At 27 weeks, earlier this part week, I was measuring 31 weeks. Oh, wow. I'm more belly than Buddha at this point...but remain convinced that rubbing my tum will still bring good luck.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Happy Times
I just caught myself as I was walking into the kitchen on this lovely Saturday morning, after just having read about baby's week 12 and heading to get Duane a treat to bribe him with so I could take away the plastic bottle he was chewing on, about to tell hubby how happy I am right now, how amazing things are. But then I stopped myself. I don't want to have to regret those words, or take them back should the worst happen.
Anyway, I'm happy. And I'm hopeful.
And, thanks to today's post on Tongue In Cheek, and the fact that this morning K was reading about a car that I thought we saw in a great car museum in France, I am also dreaming of France! Of Europe in general. Hubster and I had gone on lovely three-plus week trips in 2005 and 2007, and so we were due for one this summer...but then we bought the house in Burnaby and sunk A LOT of money into it in a short period of time (enough for probably six trips to Europe? Maybe four..) and so we won't be traveling any time soon.
So, let's visit in pictures, shall we?!
2005 trip
Paris
Paris from the Eiffel Tower
The Louvre, here's where they're restoring objet d'art.
At The Louvre, and MAN do my legs ever look short in this photo! The wonderful meeting of the two pyramids would play a part in my engagement ring in the years to come...
Louvre cafe.
My favourite favourite favourite piece, ever. Victoire de Samothrace. I should like her to come and live with me.
Forest fires in the South of France.
On the beach near Antibes, between Nice and Cannes.
I have to head out on Saturday errands right now, but next post will be about France from 2007. Have a great day, everyone. And remember to permit yourself to be happy...I know I will.
Hugs and love to all.
Anyway, I'm happy. And I'm hopeful.
And, thanks to today's post on Tongue In Cheek, and the fact that this morning K was reading about a car that I thought we saw in a great car museum in France, I am also dreaming of France! Of Europe in general. Hubster and I had gone on lovely three-plus week trips in 2005 and 2007, and so we were due for one this summer...but then we bought the house in Burnaby and sunk A LOT of money into it in a short period of time (enough for probably six trips to Europe? Maybe four..) and so we won't be traveling any time soon.
So, let's visit in pictures, shall we?!
2005 trip
Paris
Paris from the Eiffel Tower
The Louvre, here's where they're restoring objet d'art.
At The Louvre, and MAN do my legs ever look short in this photo! The wonderful meeting of the two pyramids would play a part in my engagement ring in the years to come...
Louvre cafe.
My favourite favourite favourite piece, ever. Victoire de Samothrace. I should like her to come and live with me.
Forest fires in the South of France.
On the beach near Antibes, between Nice and Cannes.I have to head out on Saturday errands right now, but next post will be about France from 2007. Have a great day, everyone. And remember to permit yourself to be happy...I know I will.
Hugs and love to all.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Life in CA
Hello hello!
Thank you to all who still steadfastly check in to this space, and I am sorry I've not updated it so there's something for you to see when you get here. There are a few reasons for my absence.
One, I think I needed time to be quiet and private. There's no secret that in this special and what has been safe (knock on wood) space, I've allowed myself to get very personal and very raw. And if you know me very well at all, you'll know that at my core, I am a pretty intensely private person. I have just become more comfortable being this way as I have gotten older. I don't really like bare-your-soul conversations, and while writing is my preferred mode of expression and can be like therapy, with the year that we have had, I wasn't ready to go there beyond what I've already shared.
That hasn't really changed, but this past year-plus has also been therapeutic in the sense that it has brought my hubby and me closer, and we've had a wonderful, healing time with our furry therapist Duane.
I've also been busy being a magazine Editor-in-Chief! I can reasonably say this is my dream job. I can't tell you how much I love what I do - it's like I finally found a position that takes all of my experience, abilities and passions into account in one title and job. There are always "buts" and the big one is, but, it's not home. LB is great and CA is great but at this time, the CA I am yearning for is CANADA.
Homesick? I guess. Not in the traditional sense though - it's more that we bought a house in Burnaby, back last winter, with a view to moving back in March. And when we decided to stay because of my great job, we knew we'd have to reno just a little it to make it more livable for eventual tenants. And when that slight reno turned into something more, and hubs and I came back a few times and spent some time (and serious effort on his part) there, we knew we missed it enough to do something about it.
So, we'll see. I am not making an big announcements here but I might be soon. Oh, well that's not really true. I CAN announce that...
...I'm pregnant again.
As I type that I have a small smile on my face. But just a small one. If you've been a reader of The Straight Poop, you'll understand how nerve-wracking and gut-wrenching this is after we lost our Henry.
I am on blood thinners, and we are proceeding with great caution, and careful optimism. I am 10 and a half weeks now, and baby is the size of a prune.
I didn't know if it was wise to share it in this public forum again but you people have been here for me in ways that I can never comprehend. Try explaining this to a non-blogger, but your support helped me through the darkest days.
I can't report on the latest developments, the ultrasounds and kicks, with breathless innocence anymore, but I'll let you know how we're all coming along.
And if you want to see what I've been up to, grab a coffee and sit down to TamaraMedia.com and of course, ModernGearTV.com. I post whenever I can...and I still need more readers!!
I hope you are all well. If you are reading this, PLEASE leave me a comment so I can get caught up with all of you.
Much love,
Tam
Thank you to all who still steadfastly check in to this space, and I am sorry I've not updated it so there's something for you to see when you get here. There are a few reasons for my absence.
One, I think I needed time to be quiet and private. There's no secret that in this special and what has been safe (knock on wood) space, I've allowed myself to get very personal and very raw. And if you know me very well at all, you'll know that at my core, I am a pretty intensely private person. I have just become more comfortable being this way as I have gotten older. I don't really like bare-your-soul conversations, and while writing is my preferred mode of expression and can be like therapy, with the year that we have had, I wasn't ready to go there beyond what I've already shared.
That hasn't really changed, but this past year-plus has also been therapeutic in the sense that it has brought my hubby and me closer, and we've had a wonderful, healing time with our furry therapist Duane.
I've also been busy being a magazine Editor-in-Chief! I can reasonably say this is my dream job. I can't tell you how much I love what I do - it's like I finally found a position that takes all of my experience, abilities and passions into account in one title and job. There are always "buts" and the big one is, but, it's not home. LB is great and CA is great but at this time, the CA I am yearning for is CANADA.
Homesick? I guess. Not in the traditional sense though - it's more that we bought a house in Burnaby, back last winter, with a view to moving back in March. And when we decided to stay because of my great job, we knew we'd have to reno just a little it to make it more livable for eventual tenants. And when that slight reno turned into something more, and hubs and I came back a few times and spent some time (and serious effort on his part) there, we knew we missed it enough to do something about it.
So, we'll see. I am not making an big announcements here but I might be soon. Oh, well that's not really true. I CAN announce that...
...I'm pregnant again.
As I type that I have a small smile on my face. But just a small one. If you've been a reader of The Straight Poop, you'll understand how nerve-wracking and gut-wrenching this is after we lost our Henry.
I am on blood thinners, and we are proceeding with great caution, and careful optimism. I am 10 and a half weeks now, and baby is the size of a prune.
I didn't know if it was wise to share it in this public forum again but you people have been here for me in ways that I can never comprehend. Try explaining this to a non-blogger, but your support helped me through the darkest days.
I can't report on the latest developments, the ultrasounds and kicks, with breathless innocence anymore, but I'll let you know how we're all coming along.
And if you want to see what I've been up to, grab a coffee and sit down to TamaraMedia.com and of course, ModernGearTV.com. I post whenever I can...and I still need more readers!!
I hope you are all well. If you are reading this, PLEASE leave me a comment so I can get caught up with all of you.
Much love,
Tam
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I AM here.
I am, I promise. Life has gotten very, very busy. I'll come back here soon, I promise. I always have so much to say but I have several outlets now...not sure if anyone much comes here anymore but if you do - thank you. Let me know. And I'll let you know how it's going.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
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