If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then today I am Superwoman

This was taken Sunday, at Karen's jewelry party...
I was having a much better day that day!

God. I feel like crap. I am having what I call a "hurty day".

I have had active Rheumatoid Arthritis since age 6, so about 27 years. I have had numerous surgeries and even sport two titanium big toe joints. I have had bones removed in my wrists, tendons transferred to replace ones that had ruptured, and various operations to clean up gooey, thickened joint lining called synovitis.

I have been on almost all of the medications in a rheumatologist's arsenal, both of the NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory) and DMARD (disease-modifying anti-rheumatic) variety. Some of them have made me even more ill than I would have been just with the disease. That is one of the main reasons I am not on any meds right now.

It does bother me every single day, in one way or another. I am almost constantly in pain, in one or several joints. While it's usually active in my wrists and ankles, making those my most achey joints, it also moves around and I get very stiff and sore shoulders, back, knees, hips, elbows, jaw, neck...you name it. I have it in anything that moves, any joint.

Then there's the exhaustion that comes with it. I've been pushing myself pretty hard lately with physical activity - mostly packing and lugging boxes. Perhaps I shouldn't exert myself like this but with the move coming up on the weekend, who else is going to do it?

Today has already been a really bad day. I hurt like bloody hell. I don't know if it is the weather (significantly cooler and cloudier than of late), or the activity, or what it is but jesus. Can I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head? Nope. Gotta pack.

I work for a few hours in the morning next door for these guys who have a hair care product distribution company, packing orders, unpacking boxes. Yeah, probably not the best work for someone like me but...I do like the wee little bit of extra income it provides, being Freelance Girl.

This morning I started off well but within an hour I was aching, head to toe. All of the joints at once, which is rare for me. The guy who owns the place said, "Are you okay? You're not looking so good." I almost burst into tears. And that's rare for me too, because I usually can handle the pain with relative stoicism, just set my jaw and be proud that I can handle what I do.

So, no tears yet but am letting myself have a bit of a pity party. "Pity Party? Table for one..."

I do allow myself about five minutes of feeling sorry for myself but then it's time to get back to work.

I know things could be so much worse. I don't have cancer. I am not dying from AIDS. I am not in a wheelchair. I don't even have a panic disorder. But I hurt like hell, and I have overwhelming fears for my future. What happens to a person with such an independent spirit when her body starts to hold her back??

That's probably why I work as hard as I do. I want to squeeze all the living, experiencing and earning I can into the hours of the day so that eventually when I am not able to do what I do now, I can rest easy, or if it never gets to the point where my health is worse, then maybe I can just live a good life and take care of myself anyway. Right now I can't afford massages, Pilates, or other luxuries of life but some day...I will treat myself.

Right now I want to tell you to just pay attention to, and celebrate your physical abilities. Can you just arise from your chair and walk across your office? Can you bike for an hour? Can you carry a heavy bag of groceries? Then thank your body for what you can do...I am not cursing mine for what it can't, but I spend far too much time being jealous of those who simply take such blessings for granted.

This is a message I bring to different groups when I am booked for a motivational speaking session - doctors groups, med students, school kids. I enjoy these times very much, and look forward to speaking more, and frankly, about it in the future as well. The Arthritis Society here in Vancouver has been back and forth on asking me if I'd be interested in being a spokesperson, but then not knowing what to do to me. Honestly, I have sent letters to Oprah and consider it a goal to get on her show and tell my story. You just don't hear about young people with Arthritis and I can shatter the myths and misconceptions about Arthritis being an old person's disease.

With Oprah's Wildest Dreams season last year I even put together a videotape and album that were my story along with a challenge - it is my wildest dream to host her show for a day. I think it would be quite amazing, and fun, and I could do it without blinking. Oh sure I'd be nervous. but I'd also be damn good. Every single person I showed the videotape and book to turned to me with the same funny look in their eyes and said, "OH my GOD you're going to be on Oprah!" People just believed that my presentation and story was that compelling. Haven't heard from them yet. Maybe it was just too big of a dream.