The Straight Poop

Nothing is impossible, but impossible is nothing.

2009-11-07T12:31:00.001-08:00

There are certain things in life you think you'll never experience. "It couldn't happen to me." "That could never happen." "I'll never be that unlucky." and also..."I'll never be that lucky."

I have found myself in many situations in my work as a journalist where I fall into that sort of thinking.

I once did a story on a new addition of a room in University Hospital in Edmonton for grieving parents to spend time with their stillborn baby. It was a soothing room, meant to be very quiet and still, comfortable and private. I did this story as a television reporter, and it struck me as very very sad, but I am not going to lie to you - the thought, at that time, of parents holding and photographing their dead baby, seemed almost macabre. Little did I know how, first of all, the parents absolutely need this to start their grieving and ultimately healing process. And little did I know, secondly, that I'd be in that situation one day, feeling like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't walk, and I...Just. Could. Not. Believe. This. Was. Happening.

I did a story on premature babies, also at the University of Alberta Hospital - these teeny, tiny human beings who just against all odds make it into the world and many thrive. In my story I covered the healthy ones who came home and went on to live full lives, but I also highlighted the problems that many underdeveloped early babies have from breathing problems to a lack of neurological development and more. I am a feeling human being with a sensitive side and I was teary-eyed during shooting and editing, but with a healthy attitude I moved on, thinking this could never happen to me. And when it did, I spent the first few days not in utter joy or complete terror, but operating in a sort of void of emotion. It was there, and I was there, but again, I...Just. Could. Not. Believe. This. Was. Happening.

And last night I was in an ambulance with Finn, transferring him to a hospital closer to our home. I had done a television story once on ambulance crews, and that was the only time I had ever been in an ambulance, until last night. That's not a place you want to be. But Finn is stable and more - he is doing so very well that we are thanking our lucky stars. I almost couldn't believe it was happening, last night.

But, I think I've learned my lesson.

It also makes me realize that just as I should never, ever again push aside thoughts of potential bad things with the summary dismissal of ,"Oh that would never happen to me", I also ought not to put limits on what good and wonderful things can happen in life.

I used to, and had I held on to that thought rather than being open to joy as much as sorrow, having been through these experiences, I might have missed out on what a miracle we are living right now. On how my world and every single thing in it has changed. How there's a whole lot that just doesn't matter anymore, and a whole lot that matters the most.

No more limiting self-talk.

Nothing is impossible, but impossible is nothing.

Welcoming our little man

2009-10-31T14:43:00.002-07:00

A quick quick post as I know there are at least a handful of you still visiting this space and awaiting news!

I gave birth to our three-pound, one-ounce sweetheart between 11 and 12 weeks early, last Wednesday (Oct 21). He is currently doing very well in NICU, and will stay there for between 7-10 more weeks.

He is beautiful, he is a fighter (and he even looks like one!) - and we are more in love with him than we knew was possible.

I am so thankful, even though he's there and it tests my strength, intestinal fortitude, will, resolve and every molecule of my being to not bring him home with me! It's simply too soon. He's under the 24/7 watchful eye of an incredible complement of nurses, doctors and support staff, and he is coming along as they expect him to.

It's opened our eyes to a whole new world - yes, one with a baby but also one with terms like CPAP (the breathing assistance he is on, that is one people with apnea use) - he is not intubated, he is not on a ventilator so this is very good. And words like bilirubin, jaundice and gavage - things we are dealing with.

Justine, his nurse last night said he is an eater and a grower.

He's being tube fed but it's breast milk (yay me!) and it is regularly upped, so soon they will be able to remove the tube. He also had a little taste of breast milk last night when Justine put a few drops in his mouth to soothe him.

He lost some weight after birth (normal) and isn't up to his birth weight yet but we hope soon. I am pumping like a madwoman (quite a visual) so he's got a LOT of milk in the freezer when he needs it, with 16 or so small 2 oz. bottles added every day. I am one motivated mama!

So, I won't keep you waiting any longer -- I'd like to introduce you to our little man, Finn Jacob. We love him so much.

Growing up, and out

2009-10-17T14:58:00.002-07:00

As I rolled my chair in to meet my desk, I caught a glimpse of my to-do list. It strikes me how very much it has changed over the years, and I almost wish I had a notebook full of them to see how the tasks, priorities and issues that need attention have developed as I have.

My list these days, for instance, is full of (for the most part) very grown-up things:

APEX alarm
life insurance
RRSP (look at allocations)
~~physio~~
dentist
K passport
Duane license
City of B - recycling appliances

When did it change from tasks like get extra beer for party, check out new lingerie store and vacuum potato chip crumbs from car after road trip? In other words, I guess, when exactly did I grow up?!

I don't have an answer, at all. Just posing the question.

Now, in baby news - I am 28 weeks today and ALL is going well! I am a big little mama. At 27 weeks, earlier this part week, I was measuring 31 weeks. Oh, wow. I'm more belly than Buddha at this point...but remain convinced that rubbing my tum will still bring good luck.

Happy Times

2009-06-27T10:02:00.006-07:00

I just caught myself as I was walking into the kitchen on this lovely Saturday morning, after just having read about baby's week 12 and heading to get Duane a treat to bribe him with so I could take away the plastic bottle he was chewing on, about to tell hubby how happy I am right now, how amazing things are. But then I stopped myself. I don't want to have to regret those words, or take them back should the worst happen.

Anyway, I'm happy. And I'm hopeful.

And, thanks to today's post on Tongue In Cheek, and the fact that this morning K was reading about a car that I thought we saw in a great car museum in France, I am also dreaming of France! Of Europe in general. Hubster and I had gone on lovely three-plus week trips in 2005 and 2007, and so we were due for one this summer...but then we bought the house in Burnaby and sunk A LOT of money into it in a short period of time (enough for probably six trips to Europe? Maybe four..) and so we won't be traveling any time soon.

So, let's visit in pictures, shall we?!

2005 trip

Paris

Paris from the Eiffel Tower

The Louvre, here's where they're restoring objet d'art.

At The Louvre, and MAN do my legs ever look short in this photo! The wonderful meeting of the two pyramids would play a part in my engagement ring in the years to come...

Louvre cafe.My favourite favourite favourite piece, ever. Victoire de Samothrace. I should like her to come and live with me.

Forest fires in the South of France.

On the beach near Antibes, between Nice and Cannes.

I have to head out on Saturday errands right now, but next post will be about France from 2007. Have a great day, everyone. And remember to permit yourself to be happy...I know I will.

Hugs and love to all.

Life in CA

2009-06-17T08:24:00.002-07:00

Hello hello!

Thank you to all who still steadfastly check in to this space, and I am sorry I've not updated it so there's something for you to see when you get here. There are a few reasons for my absence.

One, I think I needed time to be quiet and private. There's no secret that in this special and what has been safe (knock on wood) space, I've allowed myself to get very personal and very raw. And if you know me very well at all, you'll know that at my core, I am a pretty intensely private person. I have just become more comfortable being this way as I have gotten older. I don't really like bare-your-soul conversations, and while writing is my preferred mode of expression and can be like therapy, with the year that we have had, I wasn't ready to go there beyond what I've already shared.

That hasn't really changed, but this past year-plus has also been therapeutic in the sense that it has brought my hubby and me closer, and we've had a wonderful, healing time with our furry therapist Duane.

I've also been busy being a magazine Editor-in-Chief! I can reasonably say this is my dream job. I can't tell you how much I love what I do - it's like I finally found a position that takes all of my experience, abilities and passions into account in one title and job. There are always "buts" and the big one is, but, it's not home. LB is great and CA is great but at this time, the CA I am yearning for is CANADA.

Homesick? I guess. Not in the traditional sense though - it's more that we bought a house in Burnaby, back last winter, with a view to moving back in March. And when we decided to stay because of my great job, we knew we'd have to reno just a little it to make it more livable for eventual tenants. And when that slight reno turned into something more, and hubs and I came back a few times and spent some time (and serious effort on his part) there, we knew we missed it enough to do something about it.

So, we'll see. I am not making an big announcements here but I might be soon. Oh, well that's not really true. I CAN announce that...

...I'm pregnant again.

As I type that I have a small smile on my face. But just a small one. If you've been a reader of The Straight Poop, you'll understand how nerve-wracking and gut-wrenching this is after we lost our Henry.

I am on blood thinners, and we are proceeding with great caution, and careful optimism. I am 10 and a half weeks now, and baby is the size of a prune.

I didn't know if it was wise to share it in this public forum again but you people have been here for me in ways that I can never comprehend. Try explaining this to a non-blogger, but your support helped me through the darkest days.

I can't report on the latest developments, the ultrasounds and kicks, with breathless innocence anymore, but I'll let you know how we're all coming along.

And if you want to see what I've been up to, grab a coffee and sit down to TamaraMedia.com and of course, ModernGearTV.com. I post whenever I can...and I still need more readers!!

I hope you are all well. If you are reading this, PLEASE leave me a comment so I can get caught up with all of you.

Much love,
Tam

I AM here.

2009-04-16T18:36:00.001-07:00

I am, I promise. Life has gotten very, very busy. I'll come back here soon, I promise. I always have so much to say but I have several outlets now...not sure if anyone much comes here anymore but if you do - thank you. Let me know. And I'll let you know how it's going.

Oh dear...

2009-01-15T14:36:00.001-08:00

I hope this doesn't go to his head...

From HauteDogs.org.

And what did you do today, Mister Duane?

2009-01-13T17:42:00.001-08:00

Did you crochet a blanket? Make a pot of soup? Or TEAR APART AN ENTIRE ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS? Oh, that one then.

2008 in a wordle

2009-01-01T18:32:00.001-08:00

2008 wrap-up in photos to come...Happy New Year, everyone.

Uttered out loud in the last five minutes

2008-12-29T17:53:00.003-08:00

I am home alone. I just realized, I say a lot out loud, when it's just me and the dog. And not all of it nice. A small sampling:

"Oh for the love of God. You have to be kidding me." (When reading a work-related e-mail).

"Ooooh I have to pee!" (To no-one in particular, running to bathroom. I always forget to pee til it's almost too late, and yes, that IS a lot of information.)

"Duane! Come! Good boy! Oops, sorry for poking you in the eye." (when D was barking).

"Yeeeaaah I don't really know you. So....thanks for the poke." (When reading a notification e-mail from Facebook).

Did you know dogs can fly?!

2008-12-27T20:24:00.003-08:00

Merry Christmas from California!

2008-12-25T20:54:00.002-08:00

Guy-guy

2008-12-23T19:40:00.013-08:00

We have a ton of nicknames for the little guy - D., Mister D., Mister Duane, Pooch, Mister Pooch, Mister P., Guy-guy, Duane Bear, and more. We just can't stop. I have one more to add to the list: muse. And here he is now.

I can't stop myself!

Duane at rest

The handsome guy about to chomp on a bone
Ready to play

How he spends a rainy day

My favourite parts

Next up - our family Christmas card!

Parades and friends and my two loves

2008-12-06T17:53:00.005-08:00

There's a palpable excitement in the air. People young and old, are streaming down the street to the north, heading to watch the annual Christmas parade, that should be starting right about now. There's merrymaking and Christmas carols, a young girl squealing as she rides on her Dad's shoulders, a group of three older women in antler headbands and Santa hats, talking about the last time they smoked pot. There's a shared sense of purpose in celebration and community.

I am not a part of it; an observer only.

It just hasn't happened for me, not really. Not here. Not after everything.

Konrad is on a ski trip with the boys and it's just me and the pup so he and I have been enjoying sojourns to the dog parks - first our more local one until I saw an overly tattooed, pierced fuckwit kick his dog in the balls and then decided that was enough of that, then found a much nicer one that is a bit more of a drive but well, well worth it. No more skids with their sketchy dogs, and being on edge when one of them takes offense to Duane's scent or approach. This could happen at the nicer dog park too, I know, but I don't want D. to be around people who kick their dogs (or those dogs).

I was invited to the parade by the neighbours (the ones who saw my dirty undies) and I just didn't feel up to it. Not because they saw my undies. But because...I don't know.

It's one part not being in the Christmas mood, one part wishing Konrad was here, and then one part not really enjoying hanging out with people I don't know well.

If I lay myself down on the couch and drill down into my psyche like a shrink to figure out why this is...there are a few reasons there. I am not worried about it, because I have always been this way in some small way - independent, enjoying my alone time, not into crowds. I am also getting to be more of a homebody as I get older. But it's also, in large part, because of my physical ability. Or physical inability.

There's bound to be a lot of walking, and standing. These people don't know me and my situation - my aching ankles, my worsening hip - and even if I told them, they wouldn't get it. It takes a long, long time to get it. All of my close friends get it, and that is why they're my close friends, and that is why I adore them all. Abby, Cheryl, Tracy, Jasmine, Lana, Kathryn - friends from the past and the present - and all are just as inclined to remind me to sit down for a bit as I am to ask to have a rest. And I just haven't connected on such a level with anyone here, that I feel it necessary to help them get it, either. That's really why, while I have an easy time making acquaintances, I don't make new friends all that easily.

There will be merrymaking and Christmas decorating when Konrad gets home, oh he - the man who gets it the very most. Til then, I'll snuggle up on the couch with a movie and the pooch, and be quite content with that. Things are not as fun without my honey and not just because he knows about my ankles and hips and everything else. Community, belonging, home, is where my two guys are.

You know, there's a long, long list of things I wish I could do (one, selfishly, is to be able to wear high heels)...but I wouldn't trade any ability for the circumstances I find myself in, with the riches that I have been blessed with, for anything in the world. Parades, and probably friends, will come and go...but this is the best, for good.

Duane says happiness is...

2008-11-24T08:14:00.013-08:00

We started watching The Sound of Music last night - we'll have to finish tonight. That is a seriously long movie at three hours...but well worth it. Anyway, today's post is a Sound of Music-inspired list of Duane's Favourite Things.

The dog park
making new friends

of all sizes

sharing a refreshment with new buddies

being so tuckered out that leaving isn't so hard
but faking Dad out anyway!
ROAD TRIP!

nonchalantly kissing Mom...whatevs.

being so tie-tie.

going somewhere new that is very pretty

Contemplating life
waiting for Mom at a shop...
walking nicely with Dad
And chilling out at home

What would you do?

2008-11-17T10:14:00.002-08:00

Konrad and I hosted our neighbours for a nice Greek dinner last night. We have gotten to know them a little over the past few months, and decided it was time to get together. Konrad cleaned all afternoon and I shopped and then prepared my standard Greek spread: salad, potatoes, tzatziki, chicken and lamb souvlaki.

As the table was set, the salad was done, and tzatziki was chilling and the souvlaki was marinating, I peeled off my clothes (yoga pants, tank top and undies...trust me, these details are important), left them on the bathroom floor and jumped into the shower. After I got out I grabbed an armful of my clothing, slipped my feet into my flipflops and went to our bedroom to get dressed.

They arrived shortly after 5:30pm, we had a drink in the living room, then we had a delicious dinner. The guy got up to use the washroom, then a little later the girl did. Neither Konrad nor I used the washroom.

Do you see where this is going??

After they left at about 8:30pm, I went into the washroom to take out my contacts. And sitting there, dead in the middle of the bathroom on the floor, were my black lace panties. That I had stepped out of when I hurriedly had a shower. That I dropped when I was taking out the pile of dirty clothing I had worn for the day.

I think my heart momentarily stopped beating. Oh sure, we've managed to have a good laugh over this (Konrad more than me, perhaps), but...oy.

We cleaned the house! Every nook and cranny was tidied up! We put on a great dinner, and had lively conversation. Yet somehow, I KNOW that was what they are still talking about this morning.

OMFG.

So do I mention it next time? Or do I let them continue to think I am a bad, dirty woman who just leaves her dirty underwear on the floor of the bathroom for guests to see?

I'll say it again. OMFG.

!!!

Images of the past week...

2008-11-13T21:33:00.001-08:00

Obama cell center

Walt Disney Concert Hall, by Frank Gehry
Home of LA Phil
How amazing is this place?!

More fun with Duane

And my husband, who should be named "Dirk" or something...

And finally, my new hair colour! (copper in with blonde highlights)

Live from the Obama call center

2008-11-04T19:17:00.002-08:00

Well, this is an interesting way to spend an election evening!

I'm in Lakewood, CA at the Obama call center, making last-minute calls to folks in swing states whose polls haven't closed yet.

We're on Alaska right now and though I am not making the calls myself (am the count captain or some such thing), am getting reports that "they are hostile in Alaska!" But still, can't dampen our spirits.

Some of us are online, refreshing CNN and Huffington Post and MSN and the Daily Kos any other site we can set our eyes on, and I think there is a TV on in the kitchen. I am sure there'll be a party here after the calling is done, but I have to head home to the pooch. K had to travel to Seattle tonight, so he is missing this all! Poor sweetie. But I am too.

I'd half like to be at home, watching the excitement on TV but I am half glad I am here, sharing this experience with people who are of the same mindset as me.

All in all, in a small way I am being a part of something absolutely amazing and huge. I am glad I made the commitment to help. More as I have it.

Sit on down!

2008-10-27T16:41:00.006-07:00

This past weekend was a good one for chairs in the K. household. Through the wonder of Craigslist and freecycling and an enterprising husband, we are now five chairs richer!

Two brown Knoll Pollock chairs. Two black Knoll Pollock chairs.
One white Herman Miller Executive chair (well, a repro)...
My only fear is that Duane can't sit on this new one - there are arms and it's higher...so we put the black one that he likes to sit on, behind me...but he hasn't hopped up on it yet. I hope he does - we want him to have his own special D. chair. And I miss him on my lap! I'll sit on the black one and coax him up so we can cuddle, often.

My little worker bee

2008-10-25T18:36:00.005-07:00

Duane likes to sit on my chair whenever I am not on it. I like to think he's just trying to soak up the creative energy from it and then one day out of nowhere he'll pen (paw?) a "runaway hit"...or maybe not. Maybe it's just more comfy than the floor or his crate.

(Note to Tracy - see the box on the chair behind D.? Those are your shoes, being sent to you in Australia on Monday!!)

One thing's for sure - today I volunteered at the Obama campaign office doing data entry, and I think we could use a good hard little worker like Mister Duane. Plus then I'd get to give hugs and get kisses as I worked.

A collective, "awwwww..." ensues...

All is well - K. will be home from a few days in San Francisco in less than 30 minutes. And we are complete again.

Hot hot hot

2008-10-23T10:35:00.003-07:00

Bah! Isn't it ALMOST NOVEMBER?! Yesterday was 96 F here, or 32/33-freaking-C.

I was all nice and cooled off in Edmonton where there was actually frost on the grass at night, and then I nearly go and get heat exhaustion yesterday. Just walked the pooch and she's already a burner out there. ENOUGH!!!!! Bleh.

Anyway. I spent yesterday and the night before at the Women's Conference, a truly amazing gathering of 14,000 women who came together to listen to speakers like Dr. Mehmet Oz (I met him and had him sign two books...wow, is he awesome), Madeline Albright, Maria Shriver, Heidi Klum and more. Check out ModernGearTV.com for coverage and a story about an awesome hoodie I bought at the event - proceeds go to charity! (There's also a link to videos of easch session so you can watch too.)

Women at these conferences are funny. Some are dressed absolutely to the nines, complete with stilettos they cannot walk in (visibly, obviously, painfully). Some come dressed for comfort AND style with business suits and running shoes. (The Night At The Village was a full convention center of booths and samples, so you can imagine the hormone-fuelled craze!) And some come with comfort in mind and nothing else.

I tried to be a little bit of both, with a black lightweight wool skirt, ruffly pink/purple blouse, black cashmere cardi and metallic flats...but my feet still killed me after four hours of standing and walking, no matter how sensible my shoes were. You can put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig...and you can lay carpet on concrete, it's still concrete.

I had some other observations I wanted to share but my mind is blank right now. I always get this way after a big event - I crash for a while. Yesterday I didn't do much except walk and talk and listen, but the night before I handed out thousands of magazines.

"Would you like a free magazine?"
"Are your bags too full for a free magazine?"
"You look stylish - here's a free copy of our magazine. This month was the style & fashion issue! I wrote the article on French Style."
"Do you like Maria Shriver? I wrote the cover story on her in this month's magazine. I'd love it if you would read it!"

I tried to vary it a little. I think I was probably asking Konrad if he wanted a magazine in my sleep.

So Mister K is away for a few days, in our favourite city in the US, if not in the world - San Francisco...it's just the pooch and me.

I took some pics for this morning's MGTV post on the hoody - here we are.

Happiness is...

2008-10-15T09:45:00.002-07:00

As I was laying awake in bed last night (I seem to have a night of insomnia followed by a night of great sleep and last night landed on insomnia), I was struck by how wonderful something was at that moment. So it'll top my list....

Happiness is:
1. My dog snoring in his crate in the kitchen, and my husband snoring beside me...listening to them both softly snuffle makes my heart swell.
2. Preparing to go to Edmonton to celebrate my Mom's 65th birthday!
3. Cooler temperatures in Long Beach...sweatshirts, sweaters and knee-high socks can come out of hiding, and my creativity is returning with the cooler temperatures too.
4. A job I really like, even though it might only last until March.
5. The fact that though the economy may rise and fall, so far we're doing okay. (knock on wood).

There's more to add to the list, but no time!

Be well.

Eyes meeting through a camera

2008-10-14T09:40:00.004-07:00

Corey over at Tongue in Cheek ends today's post with a great question, and I wanted to answer in the comments but couldn't add a photo in there, so I'm going to respond here and leave a comment. Maybe if people are interested in my answer, they'll come on over.

Have you ever felt like that? A chance meeting between two people where something goes beyond words, time or activity, and you know you have shared another space and time together?

I felt like that when I met my K. So I ended up marrying him!

I sort of have a similar photo story to Corey's, though...and funnily enough, also from France. Chamonix, to be specific. I was strolling around the town while Kalle, Lesel and Konrad were mountain biking, and I chanced upon these two very tired pooches. I thought they simply must be photographed. So I snapped the photo, not noticing anything but the dogs until I looked down at the camera and saw the woman look over at me with camera in hand, right when I clicked. I nodded towards the dogs and sheepishly smiled, and then she did too. Dog lovers recognize the need to capture such images, even by people who don't know those particular dogs.

I've never understood that better since having Duane come into our lives. Konrad and I have a new appreciation for other dogs and the humans who love them.

Here's the picture...

What I've been up to

2008-10-11T09:31:00.008-07:00

So I've established that D's been busy growing...and it can always be said that K is busy working hard. So what have I kept myself busy with? THIS! (You can click the pics to enlarge).

Never before have I ever felt like a job was such a natural fit and an enjoyable experience.

Mister Duane!

2008-10-09T16:47:00.005-07:00

There has been a dearth of Straight Poop posts of late, I know! Busy busy. Mister Duane didn't get the memo to stop growing, so he just keeps on keepin' on, and getting bigger every week. Here's some of the pooch for your viewing pleasure, taken this very minute. Not that you can see his face or anything. He doesn't like sitting for a portrait. My face grows more animated with each shot, though.

Excuse the exceedingly messy background, someone needs to hire a cleaning lady.

Nice double chin, I know. I was avoiding the jaws of death.